I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
