i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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