I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
