I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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