im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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