she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
