Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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