i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
its not stalking. its research.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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