You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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