just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
