Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
