Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
