so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
