Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
