she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
