Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
