I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
