Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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