you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
