life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
