so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize