I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
