I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
