he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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