He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
