Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
