who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
