My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
