one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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