I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
