??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I need a beard to bite.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
