my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
