What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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