Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have demons in me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
