I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
