I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
