It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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