I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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