if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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