She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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