the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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