stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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