I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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