So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
