How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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