I'm lost and stupid without you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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