I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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