new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
