cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
