I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
