He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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