i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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