when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize