I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
