im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
