I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
