It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
