I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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