I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
