I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
