my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
