He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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