We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Are we in a gay sports bar?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
