I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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