It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How naked do you want me to be?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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