matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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