got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
