every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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